She was brave to give her heart to love again, especially after all the damage it had caused. -RH Fowler
Today would have been our sixteenth anniversary. This is my third without him. Today’s anniversary feels much the same as the last two, but also very different. This was a time of celebration for our family. We used this occasion to celebrate the day we became us. The day we made a vow before god to apply bible principles and work together. Since the bible provides clearly defined roles for each family member, our anniversary was a time to reflect and honor the work each member contributed to our unity. It’s because of this my children have also strongly felt the sting of this day since my first husband’s death two years and five months ago. But this year is different. This year we have the loving support of our Chapter 2, my second husband. This year we discern ways that we can honor our past AND who we are now.
Yesterday on our drive home from school and work, my ten-year-old daughter asks me, “Mom, how do you feel?” Not fully understanding what she meant because I like to trick myself into believing that their father’s death is not always on their heart and mind, I respond, “Well my throat hurts because I think I caught your brother’s cold.” “Mom, I mean your emotions. About tomorrow?” “Oh, you mean the anniversary of our family? Well I feel many things. I feel sad, angry, confused, grateful, and hopeful. How about you?” “All of that too but I also feel worried. Worried that tomorrow will be weird for us and hurt Brian’s feelings.” “That, baby girl, is the duality of life post loss. Feeling the happy and the sting of hurt at the same time, while forging ahead on our journey. And I promise that as time moves forward, we will continue to feel these conflicting emotions and develop our new family traditions. We got this! It all takes time. Plus, Brian fully understands the impact of our loss. He couldn’t truly love us if he didn’t recognize all we’ve been through.”
This morning I received a text from my uber supportive sister. It read, “Happy anniversary. Do we still say that?” This text signified the immense ripple effect of grief and the confusion it causes, especially when a widow or widower has chosen to move forward in a new marriage. I would be supercilious to think that my feelings and experiences speak for all widows or widowers. However, I can express the importance of not assuming or judging the all encompassing grieving process. I can strongly attest to the precedence of allowing survivors to continue their personal journey, regardless of changes in their life or family structure. I give credit to our fiercely strong support group in our ability to intentionally work through despair. Our village continues to provide needed security, which allows us to be vulnerable enough to grieve, accept ourselves, AND accept another human into our lives, regardless of the chance of losing again.
I sign off this post with a purpose. Honoring grief honors the griever. You may not fully understand significant loss or how to support those that do. You also may not conceive how to back those that have made distinguishable changes in their life and/or moved forward post loss. The situation may appear murky to you. Trust me when I say, honor their loss. Respect the work they have done to continue on despite tribulation. Honoring a person’s grief ultimately gives regard for the griever, because grief never goes away.
So well written Autumn…I too know pain. The kind where we lost the one we love; as well as the kind where they got lost and left, on their own … You are such a blessing in your willingness to speak and acknowledge the pain. I am also so proud of you for leading and facilitating the next steps. We celebrate with you. If not for this week’s Anniversary you wouldn’t be the very family that you were, you are,and you are becoming. (All very important!) Modeling the healing process and giving hope as you comeback from a place where HOPE seemed eternally lost is extraordinary! I love that you, Brian, Jayden and Ardin have each other as you go forward! This is your “Beauty for Ashes ” story and We are grateful to get to love you, call you family and share all of life’s moments with you…Here comes the sun. 🙂
Robin, we are so grateful to be a part of this amazing family. We can’t even express how much we appreciate feeling loved and accepted when we were sure that we were anything but. Thank you for being part of the moving forward, creating new bonds, and redefining us. I honestly could not have imagined my life as it is now, prior to it’s unfolding. I can honestly say that I love my life…even the gross that I’ve had to trudge through. That is what makes us better. Now lets get to making more memories.
Where were you and these words 36 years ago? You, the kids and Brian are such an inspiration to anyone that is fortunate to know you and or read your words. I remember the shame and embarassment when I moved forward my mother was aghast that I could even begin again at that point “way too early”…. I heard over and over. But here I am celebrating 33 years of marriage this year . Grief then losing a spouse and grief the last 3 years losing so many family members for me has been a completely different experience and you are so on point grief never goes away it comes and goes and it is a different experience for each of us. Thank you for your wisdom and being so generous to share your emotions with us. Love you all Aunt Vickie
??? So proud of you and hopeful for you and your families future. I’m glad your mine.